The 10 Commandments of Walmart

 
I wrote this last night when someone started a thread with this title, but it had lame things like "thou shalt wear a bra" and "thou shalt not eat grapes you haven't paid for." I thought I could to a little better and got carried away. 

1. Thou shalt have no other Gods above the Almighty Walmart. Never shall you pay homage to the likeness of Amazon or Internet. Nay shall you likewise cross the threshold of remaining local merchants for they are of the devil and will lead you astray with temptations of “quality,”  “selection” and promises of “fair trade.” Thou shalt be forsaken and cast out upon the lands and denied the glory of death by trampling on the most Holiest of Holy days, Black Friday.

2. Thou shalt not place graven images or likenesses of people or languages to which thou dost not understand upon intimate parts of thy flesh and display such sins against the LORD with “low rise pants,” “wife beaters,” and “belly shirts,” especially when thy personage is akin to that of a well fed oxen.

3. Thou shalt not take the LORD’s name in vain, nor shalt thy take in vain the names of his lesser known favored companions, his dogs Damn, Shit, Fuck, and Elmo, his beloved cats Pussy and Cunt, his forsaken and slightly retarded brother Barney, and his rooster Cock and his ass, Ass. Nay shall ye say these names aloud or have them printed on thy garments or flesh visible within the hallowed grounds of Walmart. Nay shall ye display any part of these items upon your person at any time in public, ever.

4. Remember the Sabbath, and every other day of the year are opportunities to show the LORD Walmart your love of him by exchanging coin, or your first born son,  for tokens to place upon your altar/mantle such as a “plasma screen tv” or a “personalized You’re  #1! beer stein.” This will show your true devotion to His word, and His word is “Consumerism.” Amen.

5. Honour thy Mother and Father by obeying them in all they command of you and thou shalt not run shrieking as if thou art crap-flinging monkeys throughout all the lands. Breaking this commandment shall result in stoning or caning as seen fit by all who bear witness.

6. Thou shalt not kill other’s faith in humanity by dressing in garments of the whitest of refuse, failing to cleanse thyself most thoroughly, partaking of that which has not been duly paid for, exposing mounds of sinful flesh, or speaking in tongues into a tell-if-own while ignoring all those who seek to give you aid.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, or attempt to begat any decedents, or take thyself in hand and spill one’s seed upon the holy ground of Walmart. To do so will result in instant death by stoning or removal of offending body parts by all who were cursed to have witnessed.

8. Thou shalt not steal neither a motorized scooter nor a space to park thine camel thus designated for the crippled and infirm merely because thou art lazy and overly abundant in thine hindquarters.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thine own begotten son or daughter by calling them names such as “stupid” “brat” or “thief” when in truth they are merely following the example set forth unto them by their forefathers. The Lord doth command thee to get thine shite together and parent thy offspring appropriately.

   

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s young daughter’s garments and attempt to place your huge tracks of land within its tiny confines. To do so is the most gravest of sins in His Father’s eyes, and the LORD shalt smite you most heartily.