File this post under the heading of "More Things They Don't Tell You About Being Pregnant, For Good Reason." For those of you squeamish about bodily things, or closely related to me, and/or a man, this will DEFINITELY be TMI for you. Escape now while you can.
3...2...1...
It turns out that when you're pregnant, you can and probably will spring a leak from pretty much every orifice possible, and even some that you didn't think were possible. I'll start at the top, and so that you can I can still make eye contact if and when we see each other again, I'll do my best to keep the details to a minimum.
Eyes, Crying- Yeah, this one isn't a shocker. Pregnant woman crying?!!? No! I've found that I'll get more teared up than usual at sappy things, or tragic news about a child, but so far no out and out sobbing sessions. Operative words being "so far." We'll see. I'm really hoping this is kept to a minimum, NOT a fan of hysterics. Yeah, I'm gonna LOVE having a toddler!
Nose, Running- You'd think it was training for a marathon. It runs ALL THE TIME. Part of nature's grand plan to keep pregnant women from getting sick is to constantly flush ALL the mucus membranes (Ladies, you know where this is going, and it's not good). I now carry around a hankie all the time and have turned into my Grandmother with wads of kleenex stuffed into all of my pockets (which kind of makes me smile, I miss her and wish she was here to meet her great grandchild). Thanks to my ever growing cleavage I can now stuff some in there too. Along with my wallet, car keys, and phone if need be. That's another post.
Mouth, Drooling- Seriously. Haven't experienced this one yet, possibly because food was the enemy until only a few weeks ago, but I understand this happens. Sexy. Bibs aren't just for babies any more!
Mouth, Belching- Like a truck driver. Often catches me by surprise. Good think our social life was pretty much nil when it was at its worst, I didn't look pregnant and couldn't use that as an excuse, I would have had to don a Harley tee and trucker hat instead. Also weird hiccups and sneezing. (Side note-felt the baby hiccuping for the first time yesterday. Kind of like kicking, but with rhythm. Either that or it was dancing. Neat.).
Mouth, Puking- That has been covered extensively in here already, but suffice to say it can happen at any time, for any reason what-so-ever.
Mouth, Bleeding- Thanks to a dramatically increased blood supply, my gums bleed like crazy every time I brush my teeth. I look like a rabid vampire when I'm done. More sexiness.
Body, Sweating- Hot flashes and night sweats abound. Suddenly piling on some extra weight around your core tends to make you a bit more warm than usual. So far not too bad, but having to sleep in a bra and wrapped around a body pillow isn't helping. Not my favorite way to work up a sweat in bed.
Boobs, Colostrum- The milk factory can start production early, although not in any real quantity. I have a cousin who started leaking around 16 weeks. Ugh. I got some pads just to be prepared because you know the first time I'll have to deal with this will be when I've just put on the last dress in my closet I can fit into on our way to the Nutcracker.
Butt, Farting- So far, so good here too. Again possibly because all I was eating for months was simple carbs. No difficult veggies or meat to process. I hear pregnant woman farts can be deadly though, what with all the weird combos of stuff we might ingest in our vastly compacted digestive system. Be warned.
Butt, Pooping- Ever see one of those reality birth shows where they tell the woman to bear down like she's having a bowel movement? What they don't tell you is that they often do. Right on the delivery table. Not a Kodak moment you're hoping for. Enemas are now not de rigueur in hospitals any more (neither is shaving, thank goodness. Who needs the extra discomfort of stubble down there afterward? Now a trim wouldn't be the worst thing, I don't know how you're supposed to manage the landscaping once you can't see it any more. Hey, if Demi can pull off the au naturel look, so can we!), <link NSFW!> so this is more common place. In watching some of the water birth videos on YouTube, in between the Yanni music, sage burning and gentle encouragements to push and breathe, it's not unusual to see a random turd floating around the birth pool. If they're on top of things, someone will have an aquarium net to fish it out. Not thrilled about this possibility, yet another reason why I'd prefer that my husband doesn't look down there after maybe a quick glimpse of the baby crowning. We are a closed bathroom door couple, some things need to remain a mystery. It keeps the romance alive.
Bajango, Everything- Peeing is probably the most annoying. When you have this extra weight sitting on and sometimes kicking your bladder, and your fluid retention is way up, you find you now have some surprising things in common with your Grandparents, namely the possibility of incontinence. Usually it could be just a bit here and there when sneezing or laughing too hard (if a pregnant woman says she laughed so hard she peed her pants, it's a) likely she means it literally, and b) doesn't necessarily mean it was that funny because it doesn't take much for that to happen sometimes). It can become problematic if you don't heed the call of nature (which seems to be about every hour, on the hour) when she starts to whisper in your ear, even though it's often hardly worth the trouble.
Side story- I recently (and surprisingly) bonded with a man at a party over the problem of what to do when you're puking your guts out and have to pee at the same time. Apparently having kidney stones produces some of the same symptoms as pregnancy (and is as close to the pain of childbirth for men I hear), namely lots of gut wrenching puking and loss of bladder control. There is nothing quite so miserable as being an otherwise healthy adult draped over the toilet and holding on for dear life while you throw up whatever is left in your stomach (or just dry-heaving, which is worse and more painful) while simultaneously being unable to stop peeing your pants with every up-chuck. Really makes you want your Mommy. Or one of those astronaut diapers.
Leukorrhea, Mucus Plug, and Lochia, Oh My!- This is a whole bunch of gross stuff that is Nature's way of protecting you from infection, letting you know it's probably long past time to start thinking about packing that bag for the hospital, and cleaning house once the baby has been evicted (Google them if you want more details). They're also three reasons why sex may be a big turn off for several months for women, and likely for men too if they knew about it. See my post "I Blame Men!" for some helpful info about this, namely AVOID ALWAYS BRAND PADS, THEY'RE EVIL AND MADE BY WOMEN HATING MEN. There's no other explanation.
Last But Not Least, Amniotic Fluid- Otherwise known as your "water breaking." Not always the big "drench the floor" dramatic puddle shown in movies, often just a leaking. Means it's definitely "Thundercats Go!!" time and you'd better already have a name picked out and your cell phone and camera fully charged. You should probably call your husband too at this point.
So now, doesn't pregnancy sound wonderful and beautiful and like a blessing that should be cherished every minute? I bet you just can't wait to experience all this for yourself (possibly again)! In truth, aside from the puking/peeing dilemma (which seems to be over for now), it's not been so bad. Once I started feeling the baby kicking and having a belly so that it actually looked like I was pregnant, it even started to become worth it. It's amazing what we can adapt and get used to. Now that I feel pregnant and not like I'm harboring some horrible parasite that could burst through my abdomen at any moment, I find that having to get up and pee three times a night and constantly sniffling are not so bad, especially considering it could be worse. I could still be puking.
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