Unexpected Gratitude

(Instead of reflecting on a thing or event I'm thankful for, I've been picking someone sometimes randomly from my Facebook friends and reflect on why I'm thankful that they're in my life, even if it's just digitally currently. This is from a post I made the other day. It turned into such a touching and lovely dialogue between an old friend and I that I didn't want it to get lost in the annals of Facebook so I'm re-posting it here so that I can read it again whenever I need to feel all warm and squishy inside.)

Tonight I am grateful that Facebook brought Amanda back into my life. We were inseparable best friends 3rd-6th grade until graduation and moving sent us to different schools. We were both kinda weird kids in a school full of weird/nerdy kids. I think her friendship kept my weirdness from descending into anti-social nerdom. We've kept in touch a little through the years, but thanks to the magic of Facebook I'm able to see photos of her adorable daughter Vivian and celebrate milestones together.

What I most wanted to thank her for was for giving me the most amazing and emotional hug I've ever received. Earlier this year I was in LA and went and visited her and her new baby. Now Amanda is a very intelligent and totally competent woman, just finished her nursing degree in fact, but as a new mom with a new life totally dependent on her and a very hard working husband who was working nights, she (like we ALL were at some point) was a bit stressed out, overwhelmed and sleep deprived while trying to figure out what kind of Mom she was, and what kind of baby Viv was. So I show up with Kat, we come in and I'm all "Hey, how are y--" and she just wraps her arms around me and gives me this HUGE hug. It went on. And on. And ON. It got awkward. And then something wonderful happened. I realized that it was awkward not because she was doing something "wrong," but because I was. For Amanda, I think she really needed to connect with another woman at that moment who would understand how stressful and terrifying being a new mom could be. She was greeting an old friend and just being totally honest with that hug, and I was the one who was holding back, but it wasn't about me, it was about her, and supporting my friend as a new, overwhelmed, and exhausted Mom. So I hugged her back. With both arms. Hard. And it was awesome and nearly brought me to tears because it seemed like I could just feel much she really needed that right then, and I realized I did too. There were many times as a new mom when I would have LOVED to have had a hug like that, but I didn't ask for it. She did, and I'm glad I was able to be there to give it.

I may be reading all kinds of stuff into that hug that wasn't there, but it was an AWESOME hug regardless and brings me to tears thinking about that meaningful and intense moment I shared, one Mom to another, with my "Purple Gloop" friend from third grade.

Amanda- I have no doubt you are, and will continue to be, a totally awesome Mom, especially if you give your Daughter (and husband) hugs like that! Much love-~S

 

Amanda- Shannon! This is beautiful! I am in tears! Silly me, forgetting to wear waterproof mascara as a new mom!

I’ll not be as eloquent as you, but I have to tell you: what you’ve written is so kind (lets be fair, my hug was pretty creepy, lol) and you were not reading too much into it! I really needed a hug! It’s funny, but for the last week or so, I’ve been meaning to contact you and express my gratitude for that visit.

The day you and Kat came over, I was beyond exhausted. I was overwhelmed, totally terrified and getting no sleep, none – even when Vivian was asleep. You had come so far with Kat to visit Vivian and I, but the day of your visit I almost called the whole thing off. It felt like I was drowning.

You walked in the door and there was an old and sweet friend, one I hadn’t seen in years. Facebook had brought a woman who had come through the trials and tribulations of raising a child and appeared to have LIVED. Bending in to hug you hello I found myself stuck. I knew it probably felt awkward, but still couldn’t unstick. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t need that connection.

During your visit I was frankly amazed. You were your usual charming self, dressed to kill, full of sage advice and wonderful presents, child wrangling your sweet daughter in an un-childproofed house and just generally proving that human beings could actually live through this whole “becoming a Mom” thing. And you were doing it in a fabulous hat!

I am not over exaggerating in saying you were a very bright light in a very dark place.

Some time after your visit, and after many weeks of zero sleep I began having hallucinations. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression and began treatment, not for myself, but for my daughter. Because I knew I could get better with the help, advice and connection of you and other Mom’s like you. Because I wanted to be someone’s connection when they needed one too.

We were friends when we tried to see if Ouija boards were real, when we snuck out of your parents house late at night for a slurpee and got brought home by police and when we both knew with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that your neighbor with the crystal in her window was a WITCH! And through Facebook I can see your love for your beautiful daughter and have a window into your perspective on motherhood. I can continue the connection begun so long ago on a playground with someone really wonderful. And I am grateful.

So hug your husband and Kat, and have them hug you for me, they don’t know me well, so it might be a little awkward…Too bad. Ha!

Thanks for being a great Mom.
- A

Awwww... now I'm all sniffly again too! You are plenty eloquent, I'm so glad that I was reading that situation right! To clarify, it was totally NOT creepy! It was like when you say in passing to a friend "Hey! How ya' doing?" and the person actually takes a moment to be honest and really answers the question because they're having a rough time and are grateful someone asked... you asked the question, so that means it's your responsibility as a good friend to actually stop and listen to the answer, even if it's not the glib "Fine, how are you?" that you're expecting. So, I started out just expecting the "Fine" type of hug, and got so much more! Thank you!

I am so glad you were brave and strong enough to get help, and I hope you continue to do so if you need it, but for yourself too. Some people will try to make you feel almost ashamed for putting your needs first, but if you're not happy, sane, and well-rested, ain't no way your baby will be either! I really make a point of taking care of myself (as much as is possible, showers are still tough to fit in some days so dry shampoo is my life-saver!) because otherwise I find it's harder to be the best Mom to Kat that I can. For me that means one night a week out with friends (and NOT talking baby stuff all night), one morning a weekend sleeping in, being presentable in public, etc. So, feel free to be a little selfish and take the "Me time" you need. If I lived closer we'd totally be having happy hour together!

I am so glad I was able to be there for you, after almost THREE DECADES of knowing each other (?!!?), even if for just that brief window of time. If you're ever up for a visit to Seattle, you've got a place to stay here for sure! We'll stick the kids with the guys and go get us some drinks and mani-pedis. ;-)

Keep up the good work!

XOXO ~S