Bra Shopping In A Virtual (y Crazy) World

Caveat Lector (Let the reader beware, it's another blog post about boobs, but no graphic details).

So the time is fast approaching when I may have to leave behind the more attractive, lacy, sexy bras for, how shall I say, ones that serve a purpose other than keeping me fit for being out in public while at a brisk jog or on a chilly day without causing a spectacle or neck strain. I refuse to use the word "utilitarian," but more multi-functional might be a good term for it. Like a Swiss Army knife bra, but without the handy screwdrivers.

So, I searched for "bra size calculator" to see what I might be in store for now. The first one, found at the site of someone who calls herself the "Bra Lady" tells me I'm a 32G!!! What the hell?!!? There is no way that's accurate. 32 rib cage, 39 bust... http://www.lindasonline.com/bra-fitting-calculator.html That's just insane! I could fit my daughter in the cups of that bra and use it as a sling.

So, to keep searching... this site says 36D, which is what I bought most recently and seems to fit well. http://www.85b.org/bra_calc.php OK then, I'm not crazy and my drawer that has 34-36D bras that seem to fit is not a figment of my imagination.

This site says 38B, which is just weird. http://www.afraidtoask.com/breast/brasizeform1.html

This one is 38A, which is even more bizarre. http://www.balicompany.com/fitcalculator.bra.asp Everyone knows an A cup is... rather petite, and that is most definitely not me, and hasn't been for a LOOOONG time.

36C  http://www.bellissimalingerie.com/catalogue/brasize.asp Closer to the truth.

36E http://www.birthandbabyorders.com/shop/categories/1053 (I think, the app doesn't load properly, so I had to do the math the old fashioned way... on my iPhone) Again, I could stop carrying a purse and just stuff my wallet, phone, and Swiss Champ XLT knife into it (never leave home without it!).

Seriously... how is it possible there is such a wide difference between all these? Is it vanity sizing? Can manufactures not figure out if we want to have a smaller or larger bra size? This isn't rocket science or quantum physics. Seems more like string theory. I get that every woman is different, and according to one site, every boob is different, even on the same woman. So are feet, but my shoe size only varies a bit... from 6 to at the most a 7.5. The web sites conveniently say that "most women are wearing the wrong bra size..." well, no duh! When there's such a huge variation in sizing, it's no wonder! Who's fault is that?

I don't want to be one of those women wearing the "wrong" sized bra and looking like I've either got four (due to unfortunate oozing) or one giant mono boob. Or perhaps worse, become that substitute teacher character from South Park in 20 years due to serious lack of proper support. Help!!!!

Luckily, I found this website for maternity wear and nursing bras. Not a bad name for it, Hot Milk? Pretty stuff, doesn't look like the ugly industrial strength over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders you find elsewhere. Although someone should tell the stylist that crimping irons when the way of McHammer pants...oh wait. I heard those were back in "style" too. Ugh.

Anyway... no on line bra shopping for me unless I've tried it on in the store first and know the brand's sizing. I just wish the manufacturers would get their act together... I don't care what the size says on the inside of my bra, I just want it to lift and separate and support and work for nursing and help me get out of speeding tickets. Is that really too much to ask?