Hyperbole and Three Quarters

First of all, I am freely admitting that I took the much of the following from the fabulously hilarious Hyperboyle and a Half website. When I saw it I couldn't help but change it to fit my current pending childbirth situation. She wrote it upon seeing the woefully inadequate pain scale on the wall of the ER when her boyfriend was there. I wonder if the L&D Nurses and Midwives will find it amusing and/or helpful if I print it out and post it in my room? (Edit: They did! Last time I checked, they still had it posted in their break room.)

You've probably seen some version of that chart before.  You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you.  Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0:  Haha!  I'm not wearing any pants! Possibly because none of them fit, but that’s OK! I’m pregnant!

2:  Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog! Nitrates be damned, I want some sushi too!

4:  Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes. Or elephants. How long did you say it was? Wow.

6:  I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I'm bored. Did I tell you that I’m pregnant? Yes, it's a girl but no, I won't tell you the name we chose.

8:  The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed. I may need to pull the “knocked up and shit” card and send my husband for more.

10: You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying! Or it may have been the Animal Shelter commercial with the Sarah McLachlan soundtrack.

 None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0:  Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don't know why I'm even here. I’m pregnant. Leave me alone.

1:  I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth. I think she’s just stretching, or maybe has hiccups. I might be leaking something though. Can I have sushi now?

2:  I probably just need a Band Aid. Or some Tums. Or perhaps it’s a fart caught sideways. Hard to tell.

3:  This is distressing.  I don't want this to be happening to me at all. I think my Spawn is punching my cervix.

4:  My pain is not fucking around. It appears my Spawn has become angry with me and is seeking revenge.

5:  Why is this happening to me?? and Who gave Spawn power tools?!!?

6:  Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now. Unlike before when I just wanted attention and a foot rub. Not. Why the hell aren't you rubbing my back with a tennis ball right now?

7:  I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared. I also think she’s tying my Fallopian tubes in knots. Where is my giant bouncy ball?!!? Ice chips, aren't I supposed to have ice chips?!!?

8:  I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help… you did this to me you son-of-a-bitch and I will give you a vasectomy with a rusty spork once this is over. I want drugs. I don't care if you have to administer them intravenously with a turkey baster, I...want...them...now.

9:  I am almost definitely dying. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck the fucking fucker fuck. Tits.

10:  I am actively being mauled by a bear on the outside, and my Spawn from the inside. Seriously. I will come over there and strangle you if you laughed at that. With the umbilical cord.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment, and probably my vagina. My Spawn will come shooting out on a geyser of blood and dislodged internal organs. Be ready to catch her.

Too Serious For Numbers:  I probably have ebola.  It appears that I may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye. Or I just might be in labor where it’s too late for an epidural (oops!) and I'm ready to push. Isn’t that nifty! Who the fuck talked me into going with a natural delivery? If my child is deformed, retarded and/or subject to explosive diarreah it will be all your fault and I WILL make you pay.