Hyperbole and Three Quarters

First of all, I am freely admitting that I took the much of the following from the fabulously hilarious Hyperboyle and a Half website. When I saw it I couldn't help but change it to fit my current pending childbirth situation. She wrote it upon seeing the woefully inadequate pain scale on the wall of the ER when her boyfriend was there. I wonder if the L&D Nurses and Midwives will find it amusing and/or helpful if I print it out and post it in my room? (Edit: They did! Last time I checked, they still had it posted in their break room.)

You've probably seen some version of that chart before.  You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you.  Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0:  Haha!  I'm not wearing any pants! Possibly because none of them fit, but that’s OK! I’m pregnant!

2:  Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog! Nitrates be damned, I want some sushi too!

4:  Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes. Or elephants. How long did you say it was? Wow.

6:  I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I'm bored. Did I tell you that I’m pregnant? Yes, it's a girl but no, I won't tell you the name we chose.

8:  The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed. I may need to pull the “knocked up and shit” card and send my husband for more.

10: You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying! Or it may have been the Animal Shelter commercial with the Sarah McLachlan soundtrack.

 None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0:  Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don't know why I'm even here. I’m pregnant. Leave me alone.

1:  I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth. I think she’s just stretching, or maybe has hiccups. I might be leaking something though. Can I have sushi now?

2:  I probably just need a Band Aid. Or some Tums. Or perhaps it’s a fart caught sideways. Hard to tell.

3:  This is distressing.  I don't want this to be happening to me at all. I think my Spawn is punching my cervix.

4:  My pain is not fucking around. It appears my Spawn has become angry with me and is seeking revenge.

5:  Why is this happening to me?? and Who gave Spawn power tools?!!?

6:  Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now. Unlike before when I just wanted attention and a foot rub. Not. Why the hell aren't you rubbing my back with a tennis ball right now?

7:  I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared. I also think she’s tying my Fallopian tubes in knots. Where is my giant bouncy ball?!!? Ice chips, aren't I supposed to have ice chips?!!?

8:  I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help… you did this to me you son-of-a-bitch and I will give you a vasectomy with a rusty spork once this is over. I want drugs. I don't care if you have to administer them intravenously with a turkey baster, I...want...them...now.

9:  I am almost definitely dying. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck the fucking fucker fuck. Tits.

10:  I am actively being mauled by a bear on the outside, and my Spawn from the inside. Seriously. I will come over there and strangle you if you laughed at that. With the umbilical cord.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment, and probably my vagina. My Spawn will come shooting out on a geyser of blood and dislodged internal organs. Be ready to catch her.

Too Serious For Numbers:  I probably have ebola.  It appears that I may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye. Or I just might be in labor where it’s too late for an epidural (oops!) and I'm ready to push. Isn’t that nifty! Who the fuck talked me into going with a natural delivery? If my child is deformed, retarded and/or subject to explosive diarreah it will be all your fault and I WILL make you pay.

Sausage, Unicorns and Childbirth, Oh My!

So, I think I'm going to be OK with the nitty gritty details of childbirth. Pain, while not a fan, the idea of it isn't freaking me out. Various people interacting with my bajanga for potentially many hours, OK, we're all adults here, do what you gotta do. Bodily fluids, waiting, exhaustion, frustration, false starts, painful endings... I'm trying to brace myself as much as is possible by someone who has never experienced such a thing.

One thing I'm a little paranoid about is the aftermath (and I'm not talking about our daughter here) and my husband seeing this and being scared away forever. Now he has no such worries, he's been trained as an EMT and stuff like that just doesn't bother him. It's just my issue I've focused on for some reason. A quote from Stewie on Family Guy about throwing a hot dog down a hallway comes to mind every time I think about it. Yeah, I've read all the stuff that says six weeks later things will be good as new(ish), but I've also seen several natural birthing videos where women aren't screaming and swearing like sailors as a giant baby emerges from an impossibly small opening and I don't really believe that either.

I'm OK with him watching the crowning, but after that it's eyes up here! It's like that saying about sausage... you may love sausage, but do you really want to see where it comes from? It might forever change the experience for you. Could you go the rest of your life without sausage? Would you still enjoy it the same? I dunno...

Anyway... I believe this little paranoia of mine is what inspired this dream the other night. There's no context aside from me seeing a black chalkboard with white writing on it. I have the impression that I was trying to come up with a t-shirt or bumper sticker slogan. All it says is "Watching your child being born is like looking up a unicorn's ass to see where the magic comes from." Then I woke up.

Make of it what you will, but if it's t-shirts or bumper stickers, I get one and a share of the proceeds!

(By the way, I seriously love Google Images. I typed in "unicorn, ass" and that's what came up. Perfect!)