New Priorities

Laundry, making a shopping list,

Dirty bathroom, food to prep

My daughter wants me to read her a book

Nothing is more important than this.

Chores all done? Oh don’t I wish!

Headache looming, hair not brushed

My child is hungry and wants to nurse

Nothing is more important than this.

My former life, I sometimes miss,

Happy hour, sleeping in

My angel is sound asleep on my chest

Nothing is more important than this.

Things I now love? My baby’s kiss.

Toddler’s laughter, a tearful hug.

“Mama! Dada!” and each new milestone

Nothing is more important than this.

Not too many years ago, the childless version of me would have recoiled in horror that my entire day (today in fact) could be made by an unsolicited hug, kiss, and a thank you from my child. What an ignorant fool I was back then! We all were though, there's just no way to comprehend the magic and knee-weakening emotions such experiences impart until you experience it personally. I wish everyone could feel at least once the soul-renewing power of being loved and needed by a small child. What a different world we would live in.

Unexpected Gratitude

(Instead of reflecting on a thing or event I'm thankful for, I've been picking someone sometimes randomly from my Facebook friends and reflect on why I'm thankful that they're in my life, even if it's just digitally currently. This is from a post I made the other day. It turned into such a touching and lovely dialogue between an old friend and I that I didn't want it to get lost in the annals of Facebook so I'm re-posting it here so that I can read it again whenever I need to feel all warm and squishy inside.)

Tonight I am grateful that Facebook brought Amanda back into my life. We were inseparable best friends 3rd-6th grade until graduation and moving sent us to different schools. We were both kinda weird kids in a school full of weird/nerdy kids. I think her friendship kept my weirdness from descending into anti-social nerdom. We've kept in touch a little through the years, but thanks to the magic of Facebook I'm able to see photos of her adorable daughter Vivian and celebrate milestones together.

What I most wanted to thank her for was for giving me the most amazing and emotional hug I've ever received. Earlier this year I was in LA and went and visited her and her new baby. Now Amanda is a very intelligent and totally competent woman, just finished her nursing degree in fact, but as a new mom with a new life totally dependent on her and a very hard working husband who was working nights, she (like we ALL were at some point) was a bit stressed out, overwhelmed and sleep deprived while trying to figure out what kind of Mom she was, and what kind of baby Viv was. So I show up with Kat, we come in and I'm all "Hey, how are y--" and she just wraps her arms around me and gives me this HUGE hug. It went on. And on. And ON. It got awkward. And then something wonderful happened. I realized that it was awkward not because she was doing something "wrong," but because I was. For Amanda, I think she really needed to connect with another woman at that moment who would understand how stressful and terrifying being a new mom could be. She was greeting an old friend and just being totally honest with that hug, and I was the one who was holding back, but it wasn't about me, it was about her, and supporting my friend as a new, overwhelmed, and exhausted Mom. So I hugged her back. With both arms. Hard. And it was awesome and nearly brought me to tears because it seemed like I could just feel much she really needed that right then, and I realized I did too. There were many times as a new mom when I would have LOVED to have had a hug like that, but I didn't ask for it. She did, and I'm glad I was able to be there to give it.

I may be reading all kinds of stuff into that hug that wasn't there, but it was an AWESOME hug regardless and brings me to tears thinking about that meaningful and intense moment I shared, one Mom to another, with my "Purple Gloop" friend from third grade.

Amanda- I have no doubt you are, and will continue to be, a totally awesome Mom, especially if you give your Daughter (and husband) hugs like that! Much love-~S

 

Amanda- Shannon! This is beautiful! I am in tears! Silly me, forgetting to wear waterproof mascara as a new mom!

I’ll not be as eloquent as you, but I have to tell you: what you’ve written is so kind (lets be fair, my hug was pretty creepy, lol) and you were not reading too much into it! I really needed a hug! It’s funny, but for the last week or so, I’ve been meaning to contact you and express my gratitude for that visit.

The day you and Kat came over, I was beyond exhausted. I was overwhelmed, totally terrified and getting no sleep, none – even when Vivian was asleep. You had come so far with Kat to visit Vivian and I, but the day of your visit I almost called the whole thing off. It felt like I was drowning.

You walked in the door and there was an old and sweet friend, one I hadn’t seen in years. Facebook had brought a woman who had come through the trials and tribulations of raising a child and appeared to have LIVED. Bending in to hug you hello I found myself stuck. I knew it probably felt awkward, but still couldn’t unstick. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t need that connection.

During your visit I was frankly amazed. You were your usual charming self, dressed to kill, full of sage advice and wonderful presents, child wrangling your sweet daughter in an un-childproofed house and just generally proving that human beings could actually live through this whole “becoming a Mom” thing. And you were doing it in a fabulous hat!

I am not over exaggerating in saying you were a very bright light in a very dark place.

Some time after your visit, and after many weeks of zero sleep I began having hallucinations. I was diagnosed with post-partum depression and began treatment, not for myself, but for my daughter. Because I knew I could get better with the help, advice and connection of you and other Mom’s like you. Because I wanted to be someone’s connection when they needed one too.

We were friends when we tried to see if Ouija boards were real, when we snuck out of your parents house late at night for a slurpee and got brought home by police and when we both knew with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that your neighbor with the crystal in her window was a WITCH! And through Facebook I can see your love for your beautiful daughter and have a window into your perspective on motherhood. I can continue the connection begun so long ago on a playground with someone really wonderful. And I am grateful.

So hug your husband and Kat, and have them hug you for me, they don’t know me well, so it might be a little awkward…Too bad. Ha!

Thanks for being a great Mom.
- A

Awwww... now I'm all sniffly again too! You are plenty eloquent, I'm so glad that I was reading that situation right! To clarify, it was totally NOT creepy! It was like when you say in passing to a friend "Hey! How ya' doing?" and the person actually takes a moment to be honest and really answers the question because they're having a rough time and are grateful someone asked... you asked the question, so that means it's your responsibility as a good friend to actually stop and listen to the answer, even if it's not the glib "Fine, how are you?" that you're expecting. So, I started out just expecting the "Fine" type of hug, and got so much more! Thank you!

I am so glad you were brave and strong enough to get help, and I hope you continue to do so if you need it, but for yourself too. Some people will try to make you feel almost ashamed for putting your needs first, but if you're not happy, sane, and well-rested, ain't no way your baby will be either! I really make a point of taking care of myself (as much as is possible, showers are still tough to fit in some days so dry shampoo is my life-saver!) because otherwise I find it's harder to be the best Mom to Kat that I can. For me that means one night a week out with friends (and NOT talking baby stuff all night), one morning a weekend sleeping in, being presentable in public, etc. So, feel free to be a little selfish and take the "Me time" you need. If I lived closer we'd totally be having happy hour together!

I am so glad I was able to be there for you, after almost THREE DECADES of knowing each other (?!!?), even if for just that brief window of time. If you're ever up for a visit to Seattle, you've got a place to stay here for sure! We'll stick the kids with the guys and go get us some drinks and mani-pedis. ;-)

Keep up the good work!

XOXO ~S

 

My Real Problem With Chick-fil-A and Dan Cathy

The Chick-fil-A controversy is NOT about first amendment rights. I don't care what Dan Cathy THINKS. I care what he DOES with the millions and millions of dollars (five plus I believe) he's made with his company, and who he gives them to. Groups like Focus on Family, and Exodus International. These organizations actively support laws allowing people and institutions to discriminate against some of our neighbors, children, friends, teachers, doctors, and family. Not just here, but internationally, in countries where homosexuality is a crime, punishable by death. This is not some guy on a corner with a sign and a megaphone. This is a significant force that has the power to adversely change millions of people's lives.

Some people say his company doesn't actively promote discrimination, it's just his opinion, so what? I say if selling people a product, then taking some of the profits from that product to give to organizations that will fund attempts to make it legal for you to actively discriminate against your gay employees (and people who want to have access to birth control, or limitless other options to deny services to someone based on "moral grounds") isn't actively promoting discrimination, I don't know what is.

How do you think the gay Chick-fil-A employees (and I guarantee there are some) feel now? When they saw the restaurants fill up with people supporting "traditional Christian values" that meant denying them rights that the customers themselves had without question? When they saw the Twitterverse flood with seemingly corporate justified and supported hate speech such as "if you see any fags kissing outside of Chick-fil-A, please feel free to hit them with your car!" and "woo-hoo! No more fags allowed in Chick-fil-A!" do you think that made them feel welcome? Do you think any closeted gay employees will be coming out any time soon while they still work there?

If Bill Gates told everyone tomorrow he was taking profits from Microsoft and supporting fundamentalist Islamists who in turn relegate women to the status of cattle everywhere they can, I bet you'd be pissed you'd went with the PC over MAC. 

The 10 Commandments of Walmart

 
I wrote this last night when someone started a thread with this title, but it had lame things like "thou shalt wear a bra" and "thou shalt not eat grapes you haven't paid for." I thought I could to a little better and got carried away. 

1. Thou shalt have no other Gods above the Almighty Walmart. Never shall you pay homage to the likeness of Amazon or Internet. Nay shall you likewise cross the threshold of remaining local merchants for they are of the devil and will lead you astray with temptations of “quality,”  “selection” and promises of “fair trade.” Thou shalt be forsaken and cast out upon the lands and denied the glory of death by trampling on the most Holiest of Holy days, Black Friday.

2. Thou shalt not place graven images or likenesses of people or languages to which thou dost not understand upon intimate parts of thy flesh and display such sins against the LORD with “low rise pants,” “wife beaters,” and “belly shirts,” especially when thy personage is akin to that of a well fed oxen.

3. Thou shalt not take the LORD’s name in vain, nor shalt thy take in vain the names of his lesser known favored companions, his dogs Damn, Shit, Fuck, and Elmo, his beloved cats Pussy and Cunt, his forsaken and slightly retarded brother Barney, and his rooster Cock and his ass, Ass. Nay shall ye say these names aloud or have them printed on thy garments or flesh visible within the hallowed grounds of Walmart. Nay shall ye display any part of these items upon your person at any time in public, ever.

4. Remember the Sabbath, and every other day of the year are opportunities to show the LORD Walmart your love of him by exchanging coin, or your first born son,  for tokens to place upon your altar/mantle such as a “plasma screen tv” or a “personalized You’re  #1! beer stein.” This will show your true devotion to His word, and His word is “Consumerism.” Amen.

5. Honour thy Mother and Father by obeying them in all they command of you and thou shalt not run shrieking as if thou art crap-flinging monkeys throughout all the lands. Breaking this commandment shall result in stoning or caning as seen fit by all who bear witness.

6. Thou shalt not kill other’s faith in humanity by dressing in garments of the whitest of refuse, failing to cleanse thyself most thoroughly, partaking of that which has not been duly paid for, exposing mounds of sinful flesh, or speaking in tongues into a tell-if-own while ignoring all those who seek to give you aid.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, or attempt to begat any decedents, or take thyself in hand and spill one’s seed upon the holy ground of Walmart. To do so will result in instant death by stoning or removal of offending body parts by all who were cursed to have witnessed.

8. Thou shalt not steal neither a motorized scooter nor a space to park thine camel thus designated for the crippled and infirm merely because thou art lazy and overly abundant in thine hindquarters.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thine own begotten son or daughter by calling them names such as “stupid” “brat” or “thief” when in truth they are merely following the example set forth unto them by their forefathers. The Lord doth command thee to get thine shite together and parent thy offspring appropriately.

   

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s young daughter’s garments and attempt to place your huge tracks of land within its tiny confines. To do so is the most gravest of sins in His Father’s eyes, and the LORD shalt smite you most heartily.

Toddler Solo Mile High Club

(I thought this got deleted when Kat hit the power button on my PC, just found the draft version, yea!)

So I have joined the Toddler Solo Mile High Club... meaning that I've successfully flown with a toddler by myself, and learned to tell the tale. We've flown with Kat a few times before, to Hawaii and Utah, but flying back from LA was the first time I had to do it sans her (very helpful) Dad. I've now got a new arsenal of tricks up my sleeve and before I am buried under a pile of dirty vacation laundry, I thought I'd share them so people who are often asking me for suggestions will know what helped me.

Your Kid as a Hip Accessory- I wear Kat in a carrier and use her stroller as a luggage cart (which you can't take through security) to wrangle all the extra stuff. Bonus is that you can smuggle in an extra (small) bag under it if needed, make it a shopping bag and they won't question it thinking you bought it at the Airport. Bring a bag to stuff the stroller in to check it (for free!) at the gate if you don't want it getting filthy. You can also stuff your coats in it. You need to get a tag before boarding from the gate attendant.


Be Very Organized- Very important. Cut your diaper bag down to the minimum, but also make sure you have that extra outfit, diaper, special toy, burp rag. You don't need the sunscreen, hat, etc so ditch it. The second you sit down, get out the essentials... inflate your pillow (half way, it will expand at altitude), stuff the pocket with iPad, burp rag, toy, snack, bottle, book, attach the Flye Baby (see below), take off shoes and stash things you don't want to lose or have played with (earrings, socks, pens). Wipe down all surfaces you'll be touching (arm rests, tray table, buttons, etc) with sanitizing wipes. I'm not a germ-a-phobe, but a veteran traveler suggests this as a good way to avoid getting sick. The air is filtered and cleaned, the plane itself is not (same goes with the bathroom in the airport and on the plane, they are filthy!).

Pimp Out Your Kid- Seriously. Dress your kid in extra cute (but comfortable) clothing. People love to help/hold/amuse/do favors for an especially cute kid. Bamboo fabrics are fantastic for breathing and avoiding heat rashes. Load up on the diaper rash creme and change into a fresh diaper right before boarding.

Get There Early!- Ask the gate attendant if there is an extra seat and if you could be reassigned to the row that has it. Being able to set your kid down in it (without purchasing one) is a luxury you should take advantage of if you can. An aisle seat is nice for getting up and down a lot, however you run the risk of having your kid's head be bumped and bashed (or in my case, a big, heavy metal can falling out of the overhead onto it) by people and carts in the aisle. Watch those carts, they can catch little legs and arms easily.

Cool Kids Ride In the Back- Riding at the back of the plane has several advantages... you're closer to the bathroom so when the seat belt sign goes off you can get there first. You are closer to the flight attendants who love to hold cute babies while you pee/change/eat/stretch/wrangle stuff. There is a galley area they can stretch their legs in when the Flight Attendants are working (keep a close eye, they have the ability to deploy the emergency slide quicker than the person who invented the thing. It's one of nature's mysteries.) You have plenty of time to get your stuff together while everyone else is deplaning. When you get to baggage, your stuff will most likely already be out. You have less people to worry about upsetting if you're not in the middle of the plane. Be aware that the last row does NOT recline, so this could be a problem for long flights.

Losers Ride In the Front- You might get a little bit extra leg room, but you can't keep anything by your feet, and you have no easy access pocket in front of you to stash snacks/bottle/toys/blankets. There are no more bassinets either... planes are being retrofitted with airbags there so they are being phased out.

Bathrooms Are Fun!- Be aware that usually only one bathroom has a changing table, it says on the door, choose wisely. A bathroom can be a great diversion for a fidgety kid (I'd wipe it down quick with gel/wipes first, they are usually one of the most dirty bathrooms out there). Kat spent a good 15+ minutes pulling out all of the tissues and then stuffing them back in, and then pulling them out and tearing them up, and then stuffing all the pieces back in again (I saved a stack of unmolested ones to put back in when we left). The mirror is also great fun to play with as well. Just make sure to take a peek out every few minutes to make sure some desperate Mom with a dreaded #3 isn't waiting for you!

Baby Bling- I wore a super sparkly fun "Statement Necklace" and it was great for her to play with while sitting in my lap and in the front carrier. There are ones good for teething as well (Chewbeads) if yours is of that age. It kept her distracted and happy.

GET A FLYE BABY-I will be really sad when I can't get Kat to sit in this any more. It's a hammock like device that attaches to the tray table and buckles around your waist. It's best for infants, but I bring the padded head rest from her stroller so that she doesn't bonk her head on the tray table and it works for getting her out of my lap and feeding, watching a video, playing a game and the like. Bonus is that it works as a way to strap your kid to a chair as an emergency high chair of sorts as well when they're older.

Wear Your Hooter Hider- Even if you're not breastfeeding, it's great for shielding little eyes for naps, it's a blanket that can't be thrown on the floor, has pockets to stash supplies for diaper changing in the tiny bathrooms, and serves as a bib to keep you relatively clean. The Mom and Dad who were thrown up on by their kid during my recent flight both wish they had one I'm sure! We almost had a reenactment of the Pie Eating Contest scene from Stand By Me. They had to call in a special cleaning crew. Yuck.

Worst Case Scenario Packing- In your carry on, pack only the things that you couldn't live without at your destination or on board if you're stuck on the runway for an extra four hours... breast pump, change of clothes (for all family members, see previous mention of explosive vomiting kid), extra diapers, that obnoxious toy your kid loves for emergencies, snacks, formula, valuables, first aid meds, charging cords.

You Need These- Rubberized twist ties. Seriously, I use them everywhere. They will hold toys/sippy cups/pacifiers/ from falling (being thrown) on the floor, bags on your stroller handle... and they are cheap and fit in your bag easily.

Inflatable Pillows- I bring a couple, one for my back, another for my neck or arm so that I can hold a sleeping toddler without needing chiropractic work the next day.

Variety of Treats- I use one of those four portion formula dispensing things (just upgraded to this for bigger sized treats) for keeping treats in. Bonus is that it kept her busy for a good 20+ minutes working on getting food out of the little hole. I'm really tempted to get something like this too.  Of course it's not like I'll fill it with dog treats, at least not the cheap kinds with fillers. Sheesh.

Baby Head Phones- I got a pair of earmuffs at Brookestone that have headphones in them for taking on your phone that work great, or you can spend the $30 at the Airport store for specialty kid's ones when you lose them like I did. They work great for white noise, music, or videos for your kid... if they'll keep them on.

Finally- Your sippy cup may turn into an explosive device at altitude. Be careful when you open it as it may spray everywhere. The guy sitting in front of us found this out the hard way when it sprayed the ceiling over his head and dripped down on him right as I was talking to Brooke about breastfeeding Kat... you could tell by his instant reaction that he just KNEW he'd been sprayed with breast milk. Whoops! Your bottle of hand sanitizer might explode/leak as well, so be warned.

I could go on, but those are my tips and tricks that I haven't seen listed ad nauseum on other parenting sites. Above all, be patient and realize it's (usually) not as bad as people will lead you to believe, everyone is NOT giving you the evil eye, and strangers will offer to help you when you most need it. Oh, and a little bribe of chocolates and ear plugs for those around you and the flight attendants wouldn't be a bad idea either!


(I have a bunch of photos to add but lack the time to edit and post them now. Check back later to see if I became motivated enough to do it!)

National BBQ (Memorial) Day

I am grateful that Memorial Day is more about BBQing than mourning for me. My Father and Grandfather were both in the military, but both came back just fine long before I was born. I have no close friends or family in the military now, and have never lost someone to war. In fact, military service and sacrifice is more of a theoretical concept to me. I am grateful for that because being a service member or family member of one seems like it would be really, really hard.

I am grateful that we as a Nation, and for generations, have no real concept of what it's like to be IN a war, as in LIVING on the front lines, aside from our Service Men and Women. Not like people in Germany, Japan, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, Somali... Sure, our Grandmothers rationed sugar and built airplanes and kids hid under desks during drills, and I don't mean to belittle that very real effort and fear... but we, as a Nation, haven't lived in bombed out cities, our infrastructure shattered, scrounging for basic supplies since, what, the Civil War in 1865? How lucky are we to have escaped the kind of terror, destruction and heartache that our Veterans have witnessed?

The closest we've come in the last 147 years to this would be the tragedy of 9/11. I visited Ground Zero when Brooke and I went to New York a few years ago. I am grateful that I had a chance to visit. You should too. Could you imagine holes like that all over your city? This week, that building shelled, next week, this neighborhood. I am grateful for the perspective that gave me. I am grateful that was in New York, and not Seattle, or L.A. where most of my loved ones are.

When I see reports about religious extremists in other countries, I am grateful that our current biggest debate here is who should pay for birth control, not that; should it even exist, should women be allowed to drive to get it, should women who seek it be punished or killed by beating or stoning, should women be forced to undergo "purity tests" before being forced into an arrange marriage at age 12 to a 38 year old man... and so, so many other things that we are so blessed to be free of here. I am grateful my daughter will not ever have to worry about any of those things. I am grateful that we have people who are so dedicated to our country and the idea of freedom that we have to share with the world that they are out there, VOLUNTARILY, every day, trying to banish the oppression and fear and someday make their biggest debate be who should pay for birth control for the free and valued women of their society.

So I fly my flag, post a poignant photo on Facebook, and say I'm grateful for our Veteran's and Service Men and Woman's sacrifice... but I'm mostly grateful that they are braver and more dedicated than I am to our country's vision of freedom and democracy for all by serving in our Military so that I and my child (and her children as well) will hopefully never really understand what Memorial Day is about for them.

Firsts of Many

Upon having my daughter, I became obsessed with documenting her "firsts." Her first bath, first smile, first nap in my arms... I try to capture all her notable firsts, either in photos or my journal. It's gotten me thinking though, why does it seem so important? Why this general obsession among parents to mark these milestones of first foods, steps, words, hugs, smiles, nursing, naps, and more? I think it's because the first time is often a momentous occasion met with cheers, photos, and/or excited phone calls. "Lasts" however, often happen quietly, with no fanfare and no recognition of their importance at all.

I doubt I'll know at the time the last time I nurse my daughter, and the last time she falls asleep all milk drunk in my arms. The last time she does that gasping, excited baby laugh when she sees her daddy or an animal will also likely not be noticed. The last time she gives up the fight and falls asleep spread eagled in her play room will likely be marked with amusement, but little else. Similarly the last diaper I change, though certainly worthy of celebration, will probably not be properly celebrated until the diaper itself is long gone. The last time she fits in my baby sling may be rejoiced by my aching back and shoulders, but not by my heart. The last time I have a let down at the sound of a baby crying will likely also only be looked back on with bittersweet memories, if I remember it at all. The last time she needs me to help her eat from a spoon, soothe her after a nightmare, answer yet another "why?" question, carry her to bed asleep, read her a bed time story, wash her hair for her, take a bath together, and so many, many other small and large steps towards independence will all only likely be recognized as the last time well after the fact.

So... thanks largely to the wonders of modern technology, I'm doing my best to document those important (and not so important) firsts. Those I can generally notice and keep track of, although I will admit, sometimes I can go a bit too far. Some of those "firsts" are only something a mother can truly love and appreciate.

Kat's First Solid Baby Turd. She's Going To Hate Me For This One.