I am grateful that Memorial Day is more about BBQing than mourning for me. My Father and Grandfather were both in the military, but both came back just fine long before I was born. I have no close friends or family in the military now, and have never lost someone to war. In fact, military service and sacrifice is more of a theoretical concept to me. I am grateful for that because being a service member or family member of one seems like it would be really, really hard.
I am grateful that we as a Nation, and for generations, have no real concept of what it's like to be IN a war, as in LIVING on the front lines, aside from our Service Men and Women. Not like people in Germany, Japan, Vietnam, Afghanistan, Iraq, Somali... Sure, our Grandmothers rationed sugar and built airplanes and kids hid under desks during drills, and I don't mean to belittle that very real effort and fear... but we, as a Nation, haven't lived in bombed out cities, our infrastructure shattered, scrounging for basic supplies since, what, the Civil War in 1865? How lucky are we to have escaped the kind of terror, destruction and heartache that our Veterans have witnessed?
The closest we've come in the last 147 years to this would be the tragedy of 9/11. I visited Ground Zero when Brooke and I went to New York a few years ago. I am grateful that I had a chance to visit. You should too. Could you imagine holes like that all over your city? This week, that building shelled, next week, this neighborhood. I am grateful for the perspective that gave me. I am grateful that was in New York, and not Seattle, or L.A. where most of my loved ones are.
When I see reports about religious extremists in other countries, I am grateful that our current biggest debate here is who should pay for birth control, not that; should it even exist, should women be allowed to drive to get it, should women who seek it be punished or killed by beating or stoning, should women be forced to undergo "purity tests" before being forced into an arrange marriage at age 12 to a 38 year old man... and so, so many other things that we are so blessed to be free of here. I am grateful my daughter will not ever have to worry about any of those things. I am grateful that we have people who are so dedicated to our country and the idea of freedom that we have to share with the world that they are out there, VOLUNTARILY, every day, trying to banish the oppression and fear and someday make their biggest debate be who should pay for birth control for the free and valued women of their society.
So I fly my flag, post a poignant photo on Facebook, and say I'm grateful for our Veteran's and Service Men and Woman's sacrifice... but I'm mostly grateful that they are braver and more dedicated than I am to our country's vision of freedom and democracy for all by serving in our Military so that I and my child (and her children as well) will hopefully never really understand what Memorial Day is about for them.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Firsts of Many
Upon having my daughter, I became obsessed with documenting her "firsts." Her first bath, first smile, first nap in my arms... I try to capture all her notable firsts, either in photos or my journal. It's gotten me thinking though, why does it seem so important? Why this general obsession among parents to mark these milestones of first foods, steps, words, hugs, smiles, nursing, naps, and more? I think it's because the first time is often a momentous occasion met with cheers, photos, and/or excited phone calls. "Lasts" however, often happen quietly, with no fanfare and no recognition of their importance at all.
I doubt I'll know at the time the last time I nurse my daughter, and the last time she falls asleep all milk drunk in my arms. The last time she does that gasping, excited baby laugh when she sees her daddy or an animal will also likely not be noticed. The last time she gives up the fight and falls asleep spread eagled in her play room will likely be marked with amusement, but little else. Similarly the last diaper I change, though certainly worthy of celebration, will probably not be properly celebrated until the diaper itself is long gone. The last time she fits in my baby sling may be rejoiced by my aching back and shoulders, but not by my heart. The last time I have a let down at the sound of a baby crying will likely also only be looked back on with bittersweet memories, if I remember it at all. The last time she needs me to help her eat from a spoon, soothe her after a nightmare, answer yet another "why?" question, carry her to bed asleep, read her a bed time story, wash her hair for her, take a bath together, and so many, many other small and large steps towards independence will all only likely be recognized as the last time well after the fact.
So... thanks largely to the wonders of modern technology, I'm doing my best to document those important (and not so important) firsts. Those I can generally notice and keep track of, although I will admit, sometimes I can go a bit too far. Some of those "firsts" are only something a mother can truly love and appreciate.
I doubt I'll know at the time the last time I nurse my daughter, and the last time she falls asleep all milk drunk in my arms. The last time she does that gasping, excited baby laugh when she sees her daddy or an animal will also likely not be noticed. The last time she gives up the fight and falls asleep spread eagled in her play room will likely be marked with amusement, but little else. Similarly the last diaper I change, though certainly worthy of celebration, will probably not be properly celebrated until the diaper itself is long gone. The last time she fits in my baby sling may be rejoiced by my aching back and shoulders, but not by my heart. The last time I have a let down at the sound of a baby crying will likely also only be looked back on with bittersweet memories, if I remember it at all. The last time she needs me to help her eat from a spoon, soothe her after a nightmare, answer yet another "why?" question, carry her to bed asleep, read her a bed time story, wash her hair for her, take a bath together, and so many, many other small and large steps towards independence will all only likely be recognized as the last time well after the fact.
So... thanks largely to the wonders of modern technology, I'm doing my best to document those important (and not so important) firsts. Those I can generally notice and keep track of, although I will admit, sometimes I can go a bit too far. Some of those "firsts" are only something a mother can truly love and appreciate.
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| Kat's First Solid Baby Turd. She's Going To Hate Me For This One. |
Monday, October 24, 2011
My Current Book Lusts... Truth is Stranger Than Fiction
Most of my friends who are going to have kids, already have at least one, but there are a few stragglers out there who might benefit from my unfettered addiction to buying books pertaining to whatever topic I happen to be currently passionate about, which right now is of course baby related. Oh, and baking, but that's another post. So, here are my Top 10 Baby Books that pretty much cover the range of everything you need to know (and then some) about what you've really gotten yourself into. Good luck!
If You Only Buy One Pregnancy/Baby Book: "Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn- the Complete Guide" by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley and Ann Keppler. Very comprehensive and accessible book that's not full of fear mongering and tells you everything you need to know without needlessly freaking you out. Unlike "What to Expect When You're Expecting" which is condescending and full of info that will cause many pending Moms to lose much needed sleep and bombard their health care providers with panic-induced questions and phone calls. My friends who are OB/GYNs have asked me to ask you to not read that book. Or to take any advice from strangers on an on-line forum or phone app. Thank you.
If You Are Lazy and/or Buying a Baby Book for the Dad: "Baby 411" by Denise Fields and Ari Brown, M.D. This was given to us by my husband's cousin who is a new mom and an OB/GYN. Great quick reference guide, easy read, great question and answer format. Good guy book, only thing that would make it better is if it had cartoons and was scented with bacon.
If You Have Any Concerns About Your Relationship With Your Partner Post Baby: "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. A comprehensive strategy for making sure you stay connected with your partner and how to rekindle romance post baby arrival. I've worked with the Gottman's and have been a fan of their science-based approach to relationships and communication for years. There is a course offered by many hospitals called Bringing Baby Home based on this book. Also a valuable tool. They say 65% of couples experience serious decline in their marital happiness once the baby is born, this book will help you to be prepared in case that's you.
If You Have No Concerns About Your Relationship With Your Partner Post Baby: You should still read "And Baby Makes Three" because you never know and it's best to have these tools to use just in case. I feel we've been in the 35% of still happy couples (that's largely due to luck and having a baby who eats, sleeps, and poops without too much of a mess, screaming fit, or health problems), but the info in this book is still very helpful and has done a lot to keep us sane and happy and talking to each other without clenched jaws or wanting to chuck a dirty diaper at their head.
If You Have (or Need) a Sense of Humor About It All: "The Three-Martini Playdate- A Practial Guide to Happy Parenting" by Christie Mellor. While much should be taken very tongue-in-cheek, (such as "Our Little Tot's First Martini Recipe"), most of it is really a much needed rational breath of fresh air (such as "a child who has never been given chores to do is a child who grows up with a skewed sense of entitlement.). See also her follow up hit- "The Three-Martini Family Vacation: A Field Guide to Intrepid Parenting."
If You Are Already Placing Bottles of Purelle Around the House and Locks on Toilet Lids in Your First Trimester: "How to Have Your Second Child First- 100 Things That Are Good to Know... the First Time Around" by Kerry Colburn & Rob Sorensen. Sit down, have a glass of wine (Gasp! Yes, really, you can do it while pregnant), and read this book with your partner. It's hard to pick a favorite tip... from "you don't have to interact with your baby ALL of the time" to "let your partner do it their way" this book is full of good advice and good reminders for all parents, high strung and not. If you are already making spread sheets and think a baby helmet is a good idea for general around-the-house attire, you should be required by law to read this. For your child's well-being as well as your own and that of everyone around you.
If You Will Be Having a Baby, Ever, and Have Boobs: "Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding" by Ina May Gaskin. I actually haven't read this book, but it has been highly recommended by many friends who have struggled with issues with breastfeeding, I just went directly to a lactation consultant as I was too tired to read a book when I started having problems on day 11. I can't say enough good things about breastfeeding, even after dealing with "rug burned nipples" and latch problems, it's hands down the most special time I spend with my daughter. Oh, and just so you know, even if you don't breastfeed, the term "perky" will still never describe your boobs again without surgery. The good news is no one but you and your husband will know, and after not being allowed near them for awhile he won't care, he'll just be happy to have access again. Good excuse to buy that La Perla bra you've always wanted!
If You Are Not Obnoxiously Rich: "Baby Bargains" is for you. By the same people who do "Baby 411" (also "Expecting 411" and "Toddler 411"), I believe they have a guarantee to save you at least $250 or your money back. Full of very useful advice on what you really need, and what is just preying on new parents fears crap (hint: a wipe warmer is something every child can survive just fine without). Start with this book and by chucking the Baby's R Us "must have" registry list and you'll be good to go.
If You Won't be Having a Full Time Nanny: "Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. The "Five S's" on how to soothe a crying baby saved our sanity during the first few months. It's worth it just for that. There is also a DVD if you're all read out. Great for Dad to watch, will help him feel so much more empowered to deal with their tiny crying offspring. Men really like to be able to "fix" things, and this book/DVD helps them do that.
If You Have No Idea What to Do With Your Baby Aside From Singing Obnoxious Songs and Dressing Them in Cute Things: "Baby Smarts" by Jackie Silberg. A short little book with easy references to let you know what physical and cognitive skills your child is developing and what you can do to encourage them. It's really quite facinating to see how they figure stuff out when you know what to look for. Also helps you to be less anxious and frustrated with a cranky or crying baby when you know they're just working hard at figuring something out, and not colic or just being a general, undiagnosed pain in the ass.
BONUS: If You're a Science Nerd Like Me and/or Think It's Never to Early to Start Prepping for Harvard: "Brain Rules For Baby" by Dr. John Medina. It's a very interesting read on how a baby's brain develops and what their cognitive skills are like at each age. A good read, not too dry or scientific as to be inaccessible for weary parents to be. Amusing stories illustrate various developmental steps and keep it entertaining... my 92 year old Grandfather picked it up to read while he was visiting and enjoyed it when he wasn't watching Jeopardy.
If You Only Buy One Pregnancy/Baby Book: "Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn- the Complete Guide" by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley and Ann Keppler. Very comprehensive and accessible book that's not full of fear mongering and tells you everything you need to know without needlessly freaking you out. Unlike "What to Expect When You're Expecting" which is condescending and full of info that will cause many pending Moms to lose much needed sleep and bombard their health care providers with panic-induced questions and phone calls. My friends who are OB/GYNs have asked me to ask you to not read that book. Or to take any advice from strangers on an on-line forum or phone app. Thank you.
If You Are Lazy and/or Buying a Baby Book for the Dad: "Baby 411" by Denise Fields and Ari Brown, M.D. This was given to us by my husband's cousin who is a new mom and an OB/GYN. Great quick reference guide, easy read, great question and answer format. Good guy book, only thing that would make it better is if it had cartoons and was scented with bacon.
If You Have Any Concerns About Your Relationship With Your Partner Post Baby: "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. A comprehensive strategy for making sure you stay connected with your partner and how to rekindle romance post baby arrival. I've worked with the Gottman's and have been a fan of their science-based approach to relationships and communication for years. There is a course offered by many hospitals called Bringing Baby Home based on this book. Also a valuable tool. They say 65% of couples experience serious decline in their marital happiness once the baby is born, this book will help you to be prepared in case that's you.
If You Have No Concerns About Your Relationship With Your Partner Post Baby: You should still read "And Baby Makes Three" because you never know and it's best to have these tools to use just in case. I feel we've been in the 35% of still happy couples (that's largely due to luck and having a baby who eats, sleeps, and poops without too much of a mess, screaming fit, or health problems), but the info in this book is still very helpful and has done a lot to keep us sane and happy and talking to each other without clenched jaws or wanting to chuck a dirty diaper at their head.
If You Have (or Need) a Sense of Humor About It All: "The Three-Martini Playdate- A Practial Guide to Happy Parenting" by Christie Mellor. While much should be taken very tongue-in-cheek, (such as "Our Little Tot's First Martini Recipe"), most of it is really a much needed rational breath of fresh air (such as "a child who has never been given chores to do is a child who grows up with a skewed sense of entitlement.). See also her follow up hit- "The Three-Martini Family Vacation: A Field Guide to Intrepid Parenting."
If You Are Already Placing Bottles of Purelle Around the House and Locks on Toilet Lids in Your First Trimester: "How to Have Your Second Child First- 100 Things That Are Good to Know... the First Time Around" by Kerry Colburn & Rob Sorensen. Sit down, have a glass of wine (Gasp! Yes, really, you can do it while pregnant), and read this book with your partner. It's hard to pick a favorite tip... from "you don't have to interact with your baby ALL of the time" to "let your partner do it their way" this book is full of good advice and good reminders for all parents, high strung and not. If you are already making spread sheets and think a baby helmet is a good idea for general around-the-house attire, you should be required by law to read this. For your child's well-being as well as your own and that of everyone around you.
If You Will Be Having a Baby, Ever, and Have Boobs: "Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding" by Ina May Gaskin. I actually haven't read this book, but it has been highly recommended by many friends who have struggled with issues with breastfeeding, I just went directly to a lactation consultant as I was too tired to read a book when I started having problems on day 11. I can't say enough good things about breastfeeding, even after dealing with "rug burned nipples" and latch problems, it's hands down the most special time I spend with my daughter. Oh, and just so you know, even if you don't breastfeed, the term "perky" will still never describe your boobs again without surgery. The good news is no one but you and your husband will know, and after not being allowed near them for awhile he won't care, he'll just be happy to have access again. Good excuse to buy that La Perla bra you've always wanted!
If You Are Not Obnoxiously Rich: "Baby Bargains" is for you. By the same people who do "Baby 411" (also "Expecting 411" and "Toddler 411"), I believe they have a guarantee to save you at least $250 or your money back. Full of very useful advice on what you really need, and what is just preying on new parents fears crap (hint: a wipe warmer is something every child can survive just fine without). Start with this book and by chucking the Baby's R Us "must have" registry list and you'll be good to go.
If You Won't be Having a Full Time Nanny: "Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. The "Five S's" on how to soothe a crying baby saved our sanity during the first few months. It's worth it just for that. There is also a DVD if you're all read out. Great for Dad to watch, will help him feel so much more empowered to deal with their tiny crying offspring. Men really like to be able to "fix" things, and this book/DVD helps them do that.
If You Have No Idea What to Do With Your Baby Aside From Singing Obnoxious Songs and Dressing Them in Cute Things: "Baby Smarts" by Jackie Silberg. A short little book with easy references to let you know what physical and cognitive skills your child is developing and what you can do to encourage them. It's really quite facinating to see how they figure stuff out when you know what to look for. Also helps you to be less anxious and frustrated with a cranky or crying baby when you know they're just working hard at figuring something out, and not colic or just being a general, undiagnosed pain in the ass.
BONUS: If You're a Science Nerd Like Me and/or Think It's Never to Early to Start Prepping for Harvard: "Brain Rules For Baby" by Dr. John Medina. It's a very interesting read on how a baby's brain develops and what their cognitive skills are like at each age. A good read, not too dry or scientific as to be inaccessible for weary parents to be. Amusing stories illustrate various developmental steps and keep it entertaining... my 92 year old Grandfather picked it up to read while he was visiting and enjoyed it when he wasn't watching Jeopardy.
Monday, July 18, 2011
A Horse is a Horse, Of Course.
I think a lot of us wondered what it would be like to be a parent. I know I sure did, especially during the times when I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be one. How could I be sure that it would be worth it? There’s no legal/socially acceptable way to back out of it if it doesn’t work out for you. Now that I am a parent, I think I’ve figured out a way to describe it and maybe help those without kids to understand what all the hoopla is about.
If you’ve been lucky, you may have had a pet or an encounter with an animal that you were able to form a special bond with. I’m not talking guinea pig or garter snake found in the yard here. Something a bit higher on the IQ scale. Perhaps it was a pet dog that you raised from a puppy, or a wild deer that you got to eat out of your hand. For me it was a horse named Turk.
I was working on a film that was shooting on a small suburban farm one day. There were two horses in a barn next to where we were filming that needed to be calmed down as they were freaking out. One was an ancient, sway backed nag, the other a young and antsy stallion. I was dubbed horse wrangler for the day after getting the nag to calm down by stroking and talking to her. One of the farm hands showed up and took over for her so I moved over to Turk. He was a bit high strung and mouthy. Not to mention big. I have a bit of experience around horses, but was not by any means comfortable around unknown energetic animals who liked to nibble on you. Yet for some reason, Turk and I clicked.
Turk stood in his stall with his head out as he and the nag had to be able to see each other in order to stay calm. I stood in front facing him with his head over my shoulder, stroking his neck and scratching his ears for several hours. Not often do you get the chance to just be a source of comfort for an animal like that without asking anything in return. No grooming, no saddling, no riding. Just talking, stroking, soothing.
At one point my arms got tired and someone needed to talk to me so I turned around, with Turk’s head still over my shoulder. He apparently got miffed that I’d stopped paying attention to him and nipped my shoulder. I promptly turned around and grabbed his bottom lip and let him know in no uncertain terms that was not OK. I then turned back to continue my conversation. He started nuzzling my shoulder, kind of hard, almost but not quite nibbling. It actually felt pretty good as my shoulders were sore from holding my arms over my head for the last several hours. Jokingly, I leaned into it and told him that felt good, and then I pointed to my other shoulder and asked if he could get that side as well. Amazingly enough, he did! Where ever I pointed to, he would nuzzle/nibble/massage! The person I was talking to when this happened couldn’t believe it! What an unexpected way to be repaid for all the stroking and scratching I’d been doing for him.
At one point I had to leave to run some errands and wasn’t expecting to make it back by the time we wrapped, and since it was the last day there I wouldn’t see Turk anymore, which made me rather sad. Well, as luck would have it I was needed back on set so I cut my errands short and returned. One of the reasons they needed me back was because Turk was being feisty and wouldn’t calm down for anyone else. They said he got upset as soon as I left and calmed down as soon as he saw me again. He was whinnying as I approached and started nuzzling me as I scratched his ears. I was so touched, everyone likes to feel needed, even if it was by a horse I’d just met.
Making a connection with an animal like that, one that is intelligent and capable of showing affection and had a distinct personality, was an amazing and awesome feeling. To be needed by another creature for comfort and affection in a way that no one else seemed able to give, it’s a lot like what it feels like to be a mom. My daughter is this little creature who is still a mystery to me in many ways because of how much she is changing every day. While she is great with other people and is a pretty calm and mellow baby the vast majority of the time, sometimes she is just fussy or upset, and it seems I’m the only one who can calm her. When she nuzzles into my neck as I rock her to sleep, it makes my day because I know I am the only person on earth who can fulfill her specific needs at that moment, and I'm doing it well! Don’t get me wrong, her Dad is fantastic and will no doubt fulfill needs that I can’t as she gets older and has more of them (like indulge her "need" for a Porsche or her "need" to go camping with her boyfriend). But for now, when I go to pick her up and her face lights up and her arms and legs go crazy waving around and her cries stop immediately, I know that it’s me, and no other, who can calm and comfort her best right now. That equally awesome feeling and responsibility is what makes everything else, the erratic sleep, the body changes, the loss of some personal freedom, even the disgusting diaper explosions… so very worth it.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
How My Dog Made Me a Better Parent
- I Am More Patient. I used to be rather impatient and had a low tolerance for things that didn’t happen when and how I wanted them too. Partly a maturity thing, partly because I was often either running late or a set of misplaced car keys away from being late and so anybody/thing who made me late(r) made me mad. Having a dog that peed and pooped when it was convenient for him and not necessarily for me made me realize I had to readjust my idea of a schedule (after a few unfortunate pooping incidents on my car seat). Didn’t mean I was on time for everything, but at least I had more tolerance for when I was late due to unforeseen pet related circumstances. Now with a baby who naps, poops and wants to eat at various and sometimes unforeseen times, I know I have more patience for it now. I’m also slightly better at planning ahead as a result too.
- My Gross-Out Tolerance is Higher. I had a dog who liked to eat pine cones. After hearing him crunching on a pine cone one day while he was keeping me company while I was cleaning out my garage, I went and pried open his mouth and fished it out. In looking at it I saw it had a tail and was in fact NOT a pine cone but a very flat mouse. It was then that I realized I could have a child and that pretty much nothing would be grosser than that as long as my child was smart enough to not eat dead rodents. Time may prove me wrong on this one but I’m hoping not.
- I Am More Tolerant. Even though I knew my dog didn’t do things on purpose to piss me off, it sure seemed like it at times. I’ve learned to take the time to try and understand what motivated him to suddenly start peeing in the house after years of being house broken instead of just being pissed and punishing him. Almost every time his misbehavior has proven to be as a result of something I’ve done, left his dog door closed, forgotten to clean his pad. This had helped a lot with a daughter who has rarely slept more than four hours in a row since birth and can be quite cranky and inconsolable in the evenings. I’ve been frustrated and exasperated a few times, but only with the situation, not her. She’s doing her best and so am I.
- I Am More Loving. My dog taught me what (nearly) unconditional love is. No matter how cranky, angry, or pissy I was when I came home, he was there tail wagging ready to jump in my lap and cuddle. While I believe love should always have at least a few conditions (respect being one of them), he taught me how to love something even if it couldn’t always show you it loved you back the way you want it to. Like chocolate, and newborns.
- I Am More Consistent. This is a big one. For every time you let the rules slide with a dog, you’ve got to reinforce them a couple dozen more times to make up for it. Also, everyone else in the house has to be on the same page as well or he will sense weakness and exploit it. I can very easily see how this will be the same with our daughter.
- I’m a Better Judge of Character. This took me a few tries for the lesson to sink in but I finally learned to listen to him. If you don’t love my dog, you can’t love me is really all there is to it. He showed me how unreliable my ex was and that if I couldn’t depend on him to help me train a dog, there was no way I should have a child with him. He was also hugely enlightening about what a manipulative and controlling bitch my ex mother-in-law was and what a nightmare she would be with grandkids, but that’s another story. My husband and dog get along great, he respects my hubby as alpha, and my hubby supports my training decisions. This litmus test has worked well so far in determining how we parent together, which is quite well so far.
- It’s Not Just About Me Anymore. While this is certainly true now, it was also true when I got a dog that needed a lot of one-on-one attention and an expected life span of 15 years or so. I couldn’t just leave for the weekend without making plans for him. I thought this would be harder than it has been to adjust to. I’ve been making my own schedule and doing pretty much what I wanted for a long time now and thought I would resent this loss of freedom. Having a dog helped me prepare for this and while it would be nice if I didn’t need a bouncy seat in the bathroom in order to go pee or take a shower, I’m OK with it.
- Poop Won’t Kill You. After finding poop tracked all over, including my bed after my dog had a near terminal case of “Poop Foot,” and having to pick up fresh-from-the-butt-oven piles protected only by a thin layer of plastic bag, I’ve realized that while gross, poop won’t actually kill you. This knowledge comes in handy when changing some of the more explosive diapers, AKA a “shitkini” “poosplosion” and
“the dreaded #3.” I may possibly wish for death (or at least a hazmat suit) once we start solid foods though.
So, in all, I’m a better person and a better parent because of my dog, and I’ll be forever grateful to him for that.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My Magnificent Mommy Mound
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| Yup, that's all me. Well, me and Spawn. |
This photo is from a maternity shoot we did this last weekend with me at 38 weeks and ready to go at any moment. They say that by now she's running out of room and should be slowing down in movements... ha! They also say pregnancy is wonderful and a blessing and those are not the first words that have come to mind when describing this bizarre, messy, uncomfortable, exhausting and at times overwhelming process. Her movements now are even more extreme and a lesson in physics... "For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction" meaning when she's kicking in my rib area, that means she's also being propelled downward to head butt my cervix, which really hurts! Takes my mind off my ribs being kicked though, which isn't exactly like petting a baby bunny.
Anyway, back to photos... we've only got a sneak peak at them with the one above and this one...
Every once in awhile I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and still have a hard time believing that giant belly belongs to me! I've only put on 20lbs total, but luckily it seems to be mostly in front. I've even woken up, tried to turn over and been like "Oh wow, is that STILL there?!!?" Seems like a difficult thing to forget I know, but since it's constantly changing there's always something new to get used to.
So, the bags are mostly packed, the iPod is updated and play lists made, the random baby stuff is assembled and ready to go... and hopefully so are we! Or at least as ready as a bag full of camera gear, massage oils, nursing bras, newborn clothes, and meditating music can make us.
Hyperbole and Three Quarters
First of all, I am freely admitting that I took the much of the following from the fabulously hilarious Hyperboyle and a Half website. When I saw it I couldn't help but change it to fit my current pending childbirth situation. She wrote it upon seeing the woefully inadequate pain scale on the wall of the ER when her boyfriend was there. I wonder if the L&D Nurses and Midwives will find it amusing and/or helpful if I print it out and post it in my room? (Edit: They did! Last time I checked, they still had it posted in their break room.)
You've probably seen some version of that chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:
0: Haha! I'm not wearing any pants! Possibly because none of them fit, but that’s OK! I’m pregnant!
2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog! Nitrates be damned, I want some sushi too!
4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes. Or elephants. How long did you say it was? Wow.
6: I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I'm bored. Did I tell you that I’m pregnant? Yes, it's a girl but no, I won't tell you the name we chose.
8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed. I may need to pull the “knocked up and shit” card and send my husband for more.
10: You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying! Or it may have been the Animal Shelter commercial with the Sarah McLachlan soundtrack.
None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:
You've probably seen some version of that chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:
0: Haha! I'm not wearing any pants! Possibly because none of them fit, but that’s OK! I’m pregnant!
2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog! Nitrates be damned, I want some sushi too!
4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes. Or elephants. How long did you say it was? Wow.
6: I'm sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I'm bored. Did I tell you that I’m pregnant? Yes, it's a girl but no, I won't tell you the name we chose.
8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed. I may need to pull the “knocked up and shit” card and send my husband for more.
10: You hurt my feelings and now I'm crying! Or it may have been the Animal Shelter commercial with the Sarah McLachlan soundtrack.
None of that is medically useful and it doesn't even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:
0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don't know why I'm even here. I’m pregnant. Leave me alone.
1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth. I think she’s just stretching, or maybe has hiccups. I might be leaking something though. Can I have sushi now?
2: I probably just need a Band Aid. Or some Tums. Or perhaps it’s a fart caught sideways. Hard to tell.
3: This is distressing. I don't want this to be happening to me at all. I think my Spawn is punching my cervix.
4: My pain is not fucking around. It appears my Spawn has become angry with me and is seeking revenge.
5: Why is this happening to me?? and Who gave Spawn power tools?!!?
6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now. Unlike before when I just wanted attention and a foot rub. Not. Why the hell aren't you rubbing my back with a tennis ball right now?
1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth. I think she’s just stretching, or maybe has hiccups. I might be leaking something though. Can I have sushi now?
2: I probably just need a Band Aid. Or some Tums. Or perhaps it’s a fart caught sideways. Hard to tell.
3: This is distressing. I don't want this to be happening to me at all. I think my Spawn is punching my cervix.
4: My pain is not fucking around. It appears my Spawn has become angry with me and is seeking revenge.
5: Why is this happening to me?? and Who gave Spawn power tools?!!?
6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now. Unlike before when I just wanted attention and a foot rub. Not. Why the hell aren't you rubbing my back with a tennis ball right now?
7: I see Jesus coming for me and I'm scared. I also think she’s tying my Fallopian tubes in knots. Where is my giant bouncy ball?!!? Ice chips, aren't I supposed to have ice chips?!!?
8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help… you did this to me you son-of-a-bitch and I will give you a vasectomy with a rusty spork once this is over. I want drugs. I don't care if you have to administer them intravenously with a turkey baster, I...want...them...now.
9: I am almost definitely dying. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck the fucking fucker fuck. Tits.
10: I am actively being mauled by a bear on the outside, and my Spawn from the inside. Seriously. I will come over there and strangle you if you laughed at that. With the umbilical cord.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment, and probably my vagina. My Spawn will come shooting out on a geyser of blood and dislodged internal organs. Be ready to catch her.
Too Serious For Numbers: I probably have ebola. It appears that I may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye. Or I just might be in labor where it’s too late for an epidural (oops!) and I'm ready to push. Isn’t that nifty! Who the fuck talked me into going with a natural delivery? If my child is deformed, retarded and/or subject to explosive diarreah it will be all your fault and I WILL make you pay.
8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help… you did this to me you son-of-a-bitch and I will give you a vasectomy with a rusty spork once this is over. I want drugs. I don't care if you have to administer them intravenously with a turkey baster, I...want...them...now.
9: I am almost definitely dying. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck the fucking fucker fuck. Tits.
10: I am actively being mauled by a bear on the outside, and my Spawn from the inside. Seriously. I will come over there and strangle you if you laughed at that. With the umbilical cord.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment, and probably my vagina. My Spawn will come shooting out on a geyser of blood and dislodged internal organs. Be ready to catch her.
Too Serious For Numbers: I probably have ebola. It appears that I may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye. Or I just might be in labor where it’s too late for an epidural (oops!) and I'm ready to push. Isn’t that nifty! Who the fuck talked me into going with a natural delivery? If my child is deformed, retarded and/or subject to explosive diarreah it will be all your fault and I WILL make you pay.
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