We used to do time outs. When Kat was ignoring us, hitting, making a mess on purpose, whining excessively. They sort of worked. We talked about why she was going to get one, and then why she got one, linking behavior to consequences. Mild, short-term success.
Then one day, she was especially upset about things, SHE told ME that she needed a time out. That got me thinking. And reading. And I realized that nearly every time she got a time out, it was because she felt ignored and/or out of control. The ignored part was my fault, and the out of control part certainly wasn't her fault (toddlers have hormones and neural connections running amok and growing, it's virtually impossible for them to control that all the time), so if the factors that were causing her to misbehave (most of the time) were not her fault, how was it fair to punish her, and what was that teaching her?
So, I started focusing on being much more mindful. Part of that meant zero tolerance on bad behavior. It's so easy to let whining escalate to a full-blown screech fest. That didn't mean that I punished her for every whine, it meant I didn't let it slide. I told her that I didn't want to help her when she whined, and modeled how to ask nicely. Sometimes I repeated it so she could hear what she sounded like. After starting this one morning, she was catching herself and starting over by lunch. Within a day, she was doing so much better. We slip on this and have to go back to square one occasionally, but over all it works really well. Consistency is the very difficult key.
When she would hit, it was almost always because I was making arbitrary decisions and ignoring or not asking for her opinion, so she expressed her frustrations by hitting (this was back when her vocabulary was much more limited too). The vast majority was a poor choice of words on my part. "Do you want to come here and put these pants on now?" (Not really a question) Kat- "No!" and runs away. I get frustrated, go and grab her, and she would start flailing/hitting. Now, the questions are "Do you want to wear the yellow or grey pants?" Kat- "Yellow!" "Great, now do you want to put your pants or your shirt on first?" Kat- "Pants!" I dread the day when she wants to do it ALL herself and we have to leave the house with her looking like the cutest little hobo circus clown. At least there will be no cartoon characters on any of it, my rights of veto as the Mom.
Kids are alternately told "you're such a big kid!" and "you're too little for that." and "big kids don't do that!" and it's got to be amazingly confusing and frustrating as a "big kid" with all these new skills to not be able to try them out as they want to and over all have so little control in their daily life. So I let Kat get dressed, feed the dog, water plants, cut up food, etc as much as possible. This involves lots of effort, planning ahead, and more patience than I EVER though I'd have. But it works, and now she's a really independent, self reliant kid.
I try to let Kat be involved in making as many decisions as possible/age-appropriate now. It's all about selling it though, and sometimes I feel like the world's most obnoxious QVC host "Tonight, do you want these amazingly orange carrots, OR... this fantasticly green broccoli?!!? But wait, choose now and I will even throw in... SOME CHICKEN!!!!" It works most of the time, for kids and seniors, which is why Grandma's everywhere have "collector's plates" that they never eat off of. Another one of those "circle of life" things I suppose.
The other part of this was that I realized that when I was giving her a time out, those were times when I was the one who really needed one. I was frustrated and just DONE with her behavior right then. Also, sometimes she just gets overwhelmed with her own emotions about things (the trauma of watching her Bobo in the washing machine for instance), and banishing her for that was just cruel. So now we approach things with a lot more empathy.
I have set up a comfy spot on the window seat with a blanket and stuffed animals, and sometimes she'll sit there alone or with me as she calms down and we talk through it. I've seen things on Pinterest for "meditation bottles" filled with swirling glitter to watch and focus on while breathing and calming down. I think we all need things like this at times. My "meditation bottle" tends to be full of swirling wine however. To each their own. Whatever you do, do it with empathy, patience, and a real attempt to connect with your kid and understand what they're going through. My hopes are that this will set us up for the ability to have life-long conversations even when emotions are high.
So far, so good.
