Can I Have a Time Out Too?!!?

This article touched a deep and sensitive nerve with me. In case the link doesn't work, it's about the rarely spoken of problem of being a Mom, and having a temper, which I have, in spades. The red hair color may not be real, but the fiery Irish temper is, and at times it's scared me.

My primary strategy for dealing with my temper was waiting until I was 35 to have my one and only kid. Before then I was still struggling with patience, empathy, and my temper that REALLY wanted to be violent at times. I also know I don't have the capacity to deal with being out numbered with another kid either. One and done. I'm not tempting fate with another.

I try to remember that this whole world is brand new to my independent toddler, and she is doing the absolute best she can to cope with it. Also knowing that if I lose it and yell or force the issue (you WILL wear that dress, right NOW!) it will have the exact opposite outcome I want. By making an effort to make her laugh instead usually gets both of us laughing, and the issue is much easier to resolve.

The other HUGE part of the solution was choosing a man that I knew would make an AMAZING and supportive husband and Father. He's fantastic about giving me "Me" time and helping out when she's being especially difficult. I wouldn't be nearly the successful Mom I am without him. Additionally, the friends, family, and teachers who are also invaluable sources of support and much needed breaks make my job soooo much easier. 

Still, with all these coping mechanisms in place, I come dangerously close to losing it sometimes. At those times, I can see the appeal of spanking, because DAMNIT, I TOLD her just TWO MINUTES ago NOT to draw on the sofa! With the black marker, that I gave her, first, unsupervised, while I went to go look for paper and got distracted making dinner... oh. Yeah. Who's fault was that really then? Spanking her because I'm pissed that I had a lapse in judgement is the epitome of unfairness. That is not a lesson I want her to learn from me.

However, I will always remember the look of shock, pain, and tears the first time I hurt my child while angry. 

It was a long day, her Dad was out and we were on our own all evening after a trying day of teething and boundary pushing. She made her way up to the kitchen counter and was precariously balanced and starting to fall off of a stool (that I'd already pulled her off of several times) while playing with a big knife I'd left within reach. In horror I ripped it away with one hand and hauled her down and out of the kitchen with the other gripping her arm tighter than necessary and I was angry to cover how afraid I was because I was acutely aware how very close tragedy was at that moment, but the LOOK she gave me, confused, hurt, surprised, as she said "Mama! Boo boo!" and pointed to her arm and came to me, ME! for comfort... It makes me tear up and feel ashamed every time I think about it. I didn't hit her, she wasn't bruised, but that LOOK said that I had betrayed something important between us, and made me realize that I NEVER wanted to let things escalate to the point where it happens again.

I said "the first time" because I'm not perfect. There is this frustrated, fearful, angry demon of a temper that I still fight. It's still a possibility that I'll devolve to spanking her one day. Many of our parents did (including mine) and we turned out just fine... and yet. For me, it can't be an option. It just can't. That LOOK. 

There will be many things and people that will cause my daughter pain... the mean kid on the playground, a first crush, a first love. Hopefully fleeting, hopefully not physical. I just don't want one of them to be me. I want to be the one she can always come to and say "Mama, boo boo!" instead, and I will kiss her and hold her and help make it better any way I can.